On the other hand, I was incredibly curious, and couldn’t stop thinking about the two characters in my mind. One trying to kill me, and the other trying to “make sense” of things, not necessarily trying to save me, just disrupting the plan, because it wanted “things to make sense”.
Today, the characters have names. The one trying to kill me, I call the Ego. The other character, the one that wanted to “make sense” of things, I call the Guide, but I used to call the Guide my Little Red Flag Buddy, mostly because it would “sense” when something was wrong.
I turned to the content of my mind, the stream of consciousness. I had been documenting myself since I quit drinking 3 years earlier, and done a lot of research, so I knew my mind could take an idea and run with it, often in the wrong direction.
I knew that an idea in my mind could affect my feelings and behavior. I also knew that I could check the idea for veracity, but only after the event was over, often after much time had passed, and only if I found myself reflecting, which was not often, and often only by chance.
I wondered if there was some way to accelerate the process, with rigor, and predictability. I turned my attention back to the content of my mind. There was a stream of consciousness during the event, that looped many times over short periods, and cycled over longer periods.
The loop contained strings of words, about how I should kill myself, the story of Thursday’s events, and why I should kill myself. The loop was just a few sentences. The cycle repeated 8 times over the day. I wrote out the stream of consciousness of the loop, and analyzed it.
I noticed it had four distinct characteristics. There was some truth, but there were also errors of omissions, resequencings, and elements of fantasy. I developed an algorithm using gene-type operations to correct for the errors, and a criteria to let me know when to use it.
I reasoned that if the Guide, the one that wanted things to “make sense of things”, got what it wanted, then perhaps it could do more. Perhaps. I reasoned, that the algorithm could be the weapon the Guide needed to disrupt the Ego, and snap me back to reality.
